I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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