actually, I'm a sock model
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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