apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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