either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
