I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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