He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
