I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I lost the right to judge tonight
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
