blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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