If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
