So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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