the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
