the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
