after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
