I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
