If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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