Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
