I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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