I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
