I love black thongs
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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