About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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