HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
