I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
