fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
