look no pants
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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