Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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