I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
