Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
