You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
