I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
