so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
