You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
