Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
