Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
