wat bout pragnant strippers??
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
