U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
