why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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