I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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