i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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