booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
