Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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