I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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