I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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