Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she told me i tasted like america
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My bed smells like the plague
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
