She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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