just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
