I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
