I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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