I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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