I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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