It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
are you so shy because you have an std?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
